I've got a lot of questions today. The balance of writing, working behind the chair, daughter time and partner time, let alone time for myself is one that is fit for the finest circus. I mean and I love everything I'm doing. Is the doing about the doing though? What would it be like to not do for a change, or are doers always fantasizing about the possibility of not doing? Is the doing a cover up, for fear nothing will happen? Some would say, "Get yourself to a therapist, quick." But I feel done with that for now.
I heard, while traveling in India for six months, years ago, "whatever you are here to do, will be done through you, whether you are consciously working on it or not."
So does it happen unconsciously? Is it magic? Does it happen while I sleep? A simple guided tour map of our life handed to us as we slipped into the world, would be helpful. We wouldn't have to know all the details, that would be dull and boring. But if we knew that we would be doing exactly what we are to do this life, we could relax. Take a vacation, read a book with our feet up on the sofa, take more walks and breathe in more fresh air, snuggle with our lover, play with our kids.
So, do you think hearing that from the teacher has helped any? I mean, I'm supposed to know it, right? But I do what I do, what I think I'm supposed to do, creating my own reality, full of it's limitations, every minute. Am I running from something, or to something? If I stop long enough, I can see I am still with me.
How can I stop, when there is so much to do. So many things in life I have yet to experience. I want to do hair the rest of my life and do it well, masterfully. Maybe I don't need to stand behind the chair 4/7. I want to travel to Baja, with my family and see the whales birth, and visit the Rodin museum in Paris, visit Africa and look into the eyes of a gorilla, and smell the earth, visit my mentor in Japan and see the cherry trees in bloom. I want to experience having a real conversation with my mother, without her talking over me, I want to meet with teams of highly creative people, talk to them, create together. I want to finish my book, I want to...the list is long. How can one stop?
I will continue to do because I have to. A life not verging on insanity will have to come some other time.